How to help your firstborn smoothly adjust to changes while expecting a second child

How to Help Your Firstborn Smoothly Accept Changes When Another Child Is Born in the Family

A newborn in the family is a significant change for older children, so it is important to help them calmly experience this period and convey the upcoming experience. When talking about the upcoming change, it is important to avoid preconceived notions or creating expectations.

How to do this gently and positively, while staying close to reality, is advised in the message from certified Montessori method practitioners and creators of educational toys and Montessori tools at seku-vaiku, Austėja Stancikienė and Miglė Rimeikė. A gentle start and the right timing

When planning to share the news with your firstborn, it is worth considering the child's age and understanding of the concept of time. For most children, nine months is too long to wait, so it is better not to rush – the younger the child, the closer to the arrival it is worth sharing the news, and the growing mother's belly will help to better understand the changes. However, equally important is HOW you share the news. It is worth waiting for a day when the firstborn has experienced more of your attention, feels good, and you have enough time to answer the questions that will surely arise, so be prepared!

Also, it is important to choose a relatively calm period when you are not in the midst of other major events or changes, such as daycare adaptation, moving, or giving up diapers.

Realistic but positive associations

If possible, visit a family with a little one or watch videos about babies. Talk openly with your child – it is important to remain realistically positive: “Babies cry a lot; that’s how they tell us something is wrong… but as we talk, the baby will gradually learn to speak for himself, what do you think the first word will be?”

Learning about babies and toddlers together

Not only follow the growing belly together but also take a step further – read books together about baby and child development (both scientific and specially adapted for future brothers and sisters).

It will be important for the older child not only to understand and grasp the slow pace of development, but these books will also provide an opportunity to normalize certain developmental stages that are harder for children to understand: initial fragility, hygiene needs, mobility progress, eating habits, exploring the world through the mouth, language progress, etc. The clearer the expectations, the easier it will be when the time comes. Also, after the baby is born, the books will help recall and find answers to questions the older child may have, such as “Why can’t my brother/sister play with me?” or “Why can’t he/she roll the ball?” and so on.

Only essential changes

While introducing various upcoming daily life scenarios and what will change, it is necessary to emphasize to the child that many things will remain the same (especially what is dear to him/her – especially rituals or favorite routines).

If possible, avoid unnecessary changes; if you plan to move the child to their own room, give up diapers, start daycare, etc., start in advance or wait until the initial news has “cooled down” but there is still enough time before the new family member’s birth, or if the arrival is very close, plan changes after you have adjusted to the expanded family.

A cup filled with love

When the second child is born, you will inevitably face situations where the older child will have to wait. This will be much easier if their “love cup” is filled in advance – this will be the main resource from which they will draw tolerance and patience for the newly changed family situation. So while you are together without distractions, make sure to spend plenty of quality time with the child. Capture your activities and prepare an adventure album that will be fun to look through when daily adventures revolve around the bedroom, bathroom, and kitchen.

After the baby is born, continue this important ritual of time together by planning special hours when there will be more opportunities – half-days and full days. Time alone with one child is just as important as shared activities together as a family. We recommend reading books slowly, taking time to answer possible questions from the child, and preparing not only for the current but also for the upcoming period’s discussions.

When you cannot meet the need

After the baby is born, you will inevitably encounter situations where you cannot immediately meet the older child’s needs, so it is worth preparing in advance:

• quiet activities or sets of games to interest the older child – let these be special tools reserved only for this time;
• a supportive vocabulary that gives the older child context without blaming the baby: “Now it’s the baby’s feeding time; after I feed him, we can find a snack for you,” “It’s quiet time now, you will rest together or look through a book?” “I hear the baby needs help. As soon as I can, I will come to you and we will continue; I’m very curious what you will come up with while I’m gone!”;
• a fun plan for the near future that you both can look forward to – often the anticipation is just as enjoyable as the activity itself!

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